Sadness

A lot of times I get angry at what people say to me in my times of sadness because I need time to wallow and process things. I have never been and probably never will be the person to always see the positive side of things immediately.

Especially when it comes to things dear to myself and my goals. Yeah, you can argue that people are just trying to comfort me, but in that case, I'd rather one not try. Leaving me and my feelings alone is a good and empathetic move. Don't tell me to move on and tell me that the opportunity will come again. If those things were true in my situation, I'd know to not wallow but to wait for it the next time it comes. But sometimes, things don't come a second time. I'm beginning to think people say it just so that they can communicate with the usual me instead of having to deal with my feelings.

I'm only human, and I am one who feels everything. I can even feel when things are going south. So don't tell me about thinking positive. Do you know how hard that is for someone so intuned with that feeling of knowing something is wrong? You have no idea.

This rant has no moral of the story. But maybe try not to tell your loved one to get over it if they need time. You wouldn't tell someone to get over it after the loss of something they love, will you? Same same.

Taking inspiration from Kiki, I'll find a way. Take it in stride and move on to something else that I love equally. And maybe taking inspiration from Liu Wen, I should go forge my own path even though I wasn't first pick.

I'm just a little sad today and I would appreciate if everyone leaves me and my feelings alone.

Hindsight 20/20?

In my research of Bangkok, I somehow ended up searching for art museums in Jakarta and I only have three words -

遺憾死.

Yeah. Turns out Jakarta has a really international and new modern arts scene and this nut here didn't do research in the correct direction. Wtf was my problem anyways, keep searching for food food food UGH.

Guess this just means I have to do better research for my next DWP!! HAHAHA. I feel like going, but I wanna go in a big group this time 'round. >:

The wheels of change have been set in motion and there's nothing I can do about it but go with the flow, or, well (hehe Orwell), risk being crushed if I resist.

Received a letter that made me cry second time in my life (first being the congratulatory letter for Pengakap Raja).

Well... I think that's it. Not quite sure what I'm doing but I'm just gonna keep... doing whatever I'm doing.

NOBODY TOUCHA MY SPAGHET.

Alaskan Malamute

I got chewed by one today. Literally. I have the pressure marks to prove it. Probably was teething or smelled all the haram shit on my DWP bracelet. Nope, still not removing it. Maybe tomorrow.

I finally got round to clearing and sorting photos from long ago and I can't believe how different I used to look. I used to look like a meatball (definitely more extreme than a fishball) and I had long hair! Like long long hair. And it was dyed. It took me a while to remember this, which really is quite ridiculous.

One year ago, and so much has changed.

It feels so good to be loved and appreciated for who I am. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm so glad I can. So so glad. I am truly blessed.

My Strong Heart

I think after all the blows it has received, my heart has grown stronger. I can climb back up and walk away quite quickly, but I have yet to master leaving memories behind as well.

About a year ago, I spoke to this Spanish (?) dude who was on an exchange in Amsterdam, travelling London. We were both felling a bit eh and stayed in that day. That's how we started talking, it was quite funny really. He's also really cute and has a very cute smile. I remember he enjoys watching Japanese New Year game shows and he really likes cold weather. I also remember he slept in boxers in the dorm and he was really hairy HAHAHA. We never exchanged contacts and a part of me regrets it, but what's the point really?

This year, I exchanged contacts with a guy and the question arises again, what's the point?

Maybe the view someone presented to me about having someone to reach out to when you're in a foreign land is one way to look at it, but to me, I hate fleeting connections. I absolutely hate them especially when I feel this connection wasn't meant to be brief. Is there really a point?

Maybe I should act like I can't speak the next time I'm travelling.

Anyways, my heart is still soft as a tofu and nothing much has changed since a year ago. Well, not really, quite a lot has changed. I've been surrounded with wholesome love from some of the most wonderful people I never expected to love THIS MUCH *spreads my arms wide open* which has helped shape my beliefs and maybe even change them.

Good guy friends are really important for girls. And I'm eternally grateful for these uncles for coming into my life.

I remember my midnight blogging days when I was filled with so much rage and sadness. Now, all I have in me is love with a hint of nostalgia. Life, is alright.

My strong heart will brave through it all.

~

On a side note, Flume made my heart weak with Mura Masa T_T This was a bit like the Petit Biscuit experience I had on a random road trip that seemed so long ago. Except, I can't really hug Flume la HAHAHA.

I think the best ridiculously insignificant moment I had on this trip was when I helped these cool kids who were struggling with a squad selfie take a sick 拜神 photo (in their words k!) HAHAHA. Heard them saying "so nice. Unlike Singaporean..." when I ran away looking for a toilet HAHAHA.

About a week ago I also took a photo for a tourist at Masjid Negara which made her look tall. She tried to return the favour which was super sweet.

I absolutely love helping people take photos because I understand the struggle, provided I'm not in a terrible mood HAHA. You'd be surprised how many times I get rejected when I offer help, but it's all cool when the ones I do help are super happy with their photos. Some of them don't really know how to say thank you or be appreciative which is also an experience in itself.

No regrets going on this trip, but I can feel my soul growing older and older.

我真的老了。在这样下去，我脆弱的心有可能会受不了了。

No Point

I think the reason I’m becoming less and less close to my brother is because he’s turning into an asshole. Or maybe he already was to begin with, I just didn’t really notice.

I was a dreamer once. Those head in the clouds, always believing in the good of people kind of dreamer.

Things change, people change. I changed.

This semester, I heard something I never thought I would be described as.

PRACTICAL.

I’m pretty surprised to hear that and I think it’s great to be practical. I just realise I have lower tolerance for bullshit and I can’t stand my brother’s shallowness anymore. His faux intellectual side doesn’t help with anything but make him seem intelligent on social media. The house is still a fucking mess and I love when he says his possessions are confined in his room.

HAH! Bull fucking shit.

I really am ready for finals to be over so I can throw every fucking shit out of the house. What the flying fox. I hate how I live like a criminal.Constantly worrying about the house and people wanting to come in gives high blood pressure.

I’m out. Please pray for my last paper.

Heavy Breathing

Will Ah Mei be fortunate enough to witness Meili? I hope so.

To another day and night of peaceful joy. And crack YOLO plans.

Songs

Although it was a long time ago and quite far away, I remember that brief connection I once had when Europop (Yes! Freaking Europop! How much I miss that random road trip) and then Petit Biscuit played and my head flashed "but he's not yours". That's when I realized how important songs play a part in my connections I feel. 

Tonight, I'm reminded again how blessed I am just through the wonderful songs I love and the people I have come to love.

I will cherish my annoying piano playing that the guys tolerated. I will always cherish singing 80s songs through WhatsApp. I will cherish ting mama de hua and impromptu karaoke session.

I will treasure these boys for as long as UOW will allow it, before time and distance separates it, before life takes us onto different roads.

I will always always hold tonight close to my heart, for tonight was the night that I have rediscovered a me that has long since been buried by people who never really could accept me for who I am.

How far away and insignificant everything seems. Even finals. For I have not felt this kind of peace in a long, long while.

"Together forever and never to part"

But I know we will all part, which makes me love all of you all the more.