Bee

Busy bee.

I just needed this release. Word vomit.

I've been insanely tired recently and my lecturer assured me that life will get busier... haha. Not something I wish to hear at the moment.

Am I busy with meaningful work?

Do I know why I'm busy?

Just some questions you might wanna ask yourself if you find yourself in the same position I'm in.

For starters, yeah, I believe my work is meaningful for this stage of my life.

 So what have I been doing?

1. Consciously cutting out instant noodles from my life.
If you know me, you'd know this is TOUGH. I've become so reliant on instant noodles and snacks to get by when I'm busy (and lazy) that abstaining from them really hasn't been easy. I guess there's an exception to snacks like biscuits and the occasional chips (serious occasional. I count the amount of chips I consume HAHAHA!). Other than that, I've been substituting instant noodles with macaroni and tuna, or mac and egg and American cheese (because actual cheese is EXPENSIVE AS GOLD).

So why? Why now? Because an article titled 'We're more likely to get cancer than to get married' gave me the real KITA. I couldn't be bothered when my family constantly told me I was fat and that rolls were showing, but the idea that I might get cancer and have to go through chemo really shook me up. I look forward to death, but the kind of death I look forward to is not the slow and painful kind.

How does this take up time? Preparing real food takes time. Cutting veg takes time. Thinking of what to cook takes time. Good God, everything takes time. So yeah. That has been sucking up my time.

2. Convincing myself (and my family) that things HAVE. TO. GO.
Ah... The age old problem. WHY DO WE HAVE SO MUCH STUFF. I remember lying to my mum for sneaking things out to chuck and the house almost collapsed from our shouting after she found out. I think I shriveled up and some part of me died inside when I knew my family can't see why we should give away more things. For more than three years, it's been plaguing me. Now more than ever because my home is my refuge and I honestly find no peace in going out anymore.

It's so tiring. I've got less than a handful of friends who can sympathize, let alone empathize, that I can't even talk about this like it's a valid problem. In fact, this problem has consumed me. Every day, I discover something new that the house doesn't need. Every day, I die a little inside, knowing that the things can't leave the house. So to that I do what I need to do.

It's also absolutely bril how my brother can NOT GIVE A SHIT and just continue living his oblivious life playing MAPLE STORY. Cue applause. And when something of his goes missing, I get blamed. And then they realize it's not me, and it was never me. And if it wasn't for me, his certs would have been lost under his piles of shit. Good God.

Aside from trying to live a healthier and more meaningful life, school is getting to me, the job I'm trying my best at is really sucking the energy out of me. Everything is insane.

But I recently got to experience some gin & tonic fun stuff which was really awesome.

Which made me miss London. A lot... I found a place that served PIMM'S!!! But in a freaking jar wadafaq.

Anyways. My word vomit is over. I will attempt to live a peaceful life and avoid stepping on anyone's tails.

I've been surrounded with so much art and food that I'm starting to think I need to go into hiding in a forest. Looking for an extended period of monastery/isolated lifestyle to rid the FOMO that is festering in me.

Wiu. What a life.