No Point

I think the reason I’m becoming less and less close to my brother is because he’s turning into an asshole. Or maybe he already was to begin with, I just didn’t really notice.

I was a dreamer once. Those head in the clouds, always believing in the good of people kind of dreamer.

Things change, people change. I changed.

This semester, I heard something I never thought I would be described as.

PRACTICAL.

I’m pretty surprised to hear that and I think it’s great to be practical. I just realise I have lower tolerance for bullshit and I can’t stand my brother’s shallowness anymore. His faux intellectual side doesn’t help with anything but make him seem intelligent on social media. The house is still a fucking mess and I love when he says his possessions are confined in his room.

HAH! Bull fucking shit.

I really am ready for finals to be over so I can throw every fucking shit out of the house. What the flying fox. I hate how I live like a criminal.Constantly worrying about the house and people wanting to come in gives high blood pressure.

I’m out. Please pray for my last paper.

Heavy Breathing

Will Ah Mei be fortunate enough to witness Meili? I hope so.

To another day and night of peaceful joy. And crack YOLO plans.

Songs

Although it was a long time ago and quite far away, I remember that brief connection I once had when Europop (Yes! Freaking Europop! How much I miss that random road trip) and then Petit Biscuit played and my head flashed "but he's not yours". That's when I realized how important songs play a part in my connections I feel. 

Tonight, I'm reminded again how blessed I am just through the wonderful songs I love and the people I have come to love.

I will cherish my annoying piano playing that the guys tolerated. I will always cherish singing 80s songs through WhatsApp. I will cherish ting mama de hua and impromptu karaoke session.

I will treasure these boys for as long as UOW will allow it, before time and distance separates it, before life takes us onto different roads.

I will always always hold tonight close to my heart, for tonight was the night that I have rediscovered a me that has long since been buried by people who never really could accept me for who I am.

How far away and insignificant everything seems. Even finals. For I have not felt this kind of peace in a long, long while.

"Together forever and never to part"

But I know we will all part, which makes me love all of you all the more.

I'm Dreaming

...of a white Christmas.

Jk.

I'm dreaming of money.

Sometimes I wish I had more money for the purpose of being able to treat people instead of counting every penny I spent.

I'm also dreaming of London. A lot. I actually dreamed that I bought return flights to London, just to jolt myself awake... And I fell into another dream where I bought return flights to NYC... HAHAHA. Dreaming of that Rockefeller Tree possibly. This time, my finals playlist is Glee Christmas Covers on loop... Gotta send out a few Christmas cards after finals as well... I really miss the time I was frantically packing for my trip.

Carousell has slowed down COMPLETELY so I truly have zero extra income and am consuming way more than I usually do (even with the allowance I get, I consume over it and constantly pay through my nose just to sustain my regular spending, but this month, I'm paying through every orifice of mine. ew. so disgusting, but it's truf.)

Yeah, it's true what my grandma said, "half of this girl's heart is overseas".

Work life is fast approaching and the one thing it has made me realize is that I don't just want to travel, I want to live everywhere in the world. Work everywhere in the world...

There is no remedy for what I feel, is there?

I hope you guys are well, my loved ones in Zone 5 of London. Yes, my relatives in London, not 45 minutes away from London HAHAHA. Andrew Netto has definitely entered my list of top 5 comedians.

Remember friends and passerby of my blog, remember to invite this sasau girl to your Christmas parties and maybe I'll try my hand at a pot of mulled wine since Sangria didn't really take flight HAHA.

Meanwhile, enjoy this photo of the Royal Naval College I took from the top of Greenwich Park. When I watched Les Mis and Kingsman 2 and recognised the Royal Naval College, guess what happened? HAHAHA.

I'll be back soon, London. I think I got London in a photo right here. The past and the future.

“我还跟你讲12月你考完试我们回去玩”

That same thought flashed through my head and when she said it I failed to be the strong one.

It feels so far away, so distant.

Am I supposed to broadcast it? So that people will give me space? Do I carry on with my life as if it doesn't faze me?

Yi po passed away. Popo said she went peacefully. Popo also said she prayed for her a lot. Popo also said it's a blessing that she's no longer suffering now.

I think what kills me the most is that in the back of my mind, when I went back with popo in August, I had a feeling this could actually be the last time I see her, that popo sees her. And I thought of bringing the Polaroid to take a physical shot for yi po. But popo being popo, she brought so much snack for yi po my bag about exploded. Do I regret it? Maybe. A little. I just hope yi po still remembered how popo looked like, who she was, but most importantly all the love that popo has poured out of her heart and soul for her.

You've never seen someone love until you see my grandma. I'm pretty sure her love language is Acts of Service. She will labour for hours for whatever she thinks is good for you. She will do whatever her old body permits her to do. She will just be the popo I know. The popo that I am afraid of losing one day.

I've put off our boat noodle lunch date for three weeks.

Is this a warning? A little kick from the big man himself?

Whatever it is, I'm not ready.

How distant August seems now that we are here. How distant today will seem when I look back from the future.

I want to stop time. I'm a coward, I really am. But I don't want to move further into life if it means suffering the pain of losing all the good things I have. I wasn't built for this world.

It Was Me

It was repeated to me so many times that it got ingrained in me and I really thought it was me. I thought I was a burden.

Until I met these uncles. How much they've impacted my life, they will never know, but now that I think about it in the middle of the night, I actually feel tears of sadness and joy.

Sadness for not realizing sooner that it was the people that surrounded me that was the problem. Joy for the people who now surround me.

I found a person who is like me, and the way she deals with our common issue is so different from the way I deal with it, and I see the people she's around and when I look at the people around me, I see it. I see it as clear as the light of day.

I feel like crying now that I see it. I wish I had better people that surrounded me. They aren't terrible people, but they're people who are not good for my well-being.

How much these uncles have changed my life and the way I see things. Sometimes I feel really sad that I see myself as a burden, but now I know I should stop it, because it's taking a toll on how I see myself.

To the wonderful guys who have come into my life, may God bless you all.

Oonkeleh

I shared my last AC session with some uncles and I wouldn't have had it any other way. And salted egg pork porridge of course. And a "satu Cina" as essy calls it. HAHAHAHA.

Well, they aren't actually uncles... I just like to call them that HAHAHA.

Conversations with this two uncles have proven beneficial to my overall well-being no matter if brief or deep. They make me believe that there are good guys in the world still, just really rare.

I don't even remember why I wanted to post here all of a sudden, but I'm just very thankful for the presence of these uncles in my life for making me believe in the good of the world while keeping my expectations level.

Life is alright. Aside from the fact I have bloody Capstone and AC is gone.

I need a Brass Rail Reuben right about... now.

OH YES! And I got to ride in the trunk of Jon's truck HAHAHAHA. What a trip it was. I'm absolutely nuts sometimes. Maybe it's true. It will take a special kind of guy to handle me and my nonsense. Who even replies "my heart" when asked what's in your bag that almost fell.

Me.

Just. Me.

A fried banana, Sze Ka Lame. Sasau.

I'm gonna miss them, and all those nicknames.