“我还跟你讲12月你考完试我们回去玩”

That same thought flashed through my head and when she said it I failed to be the strong one.

It feels so far away, so distant.

Am I supposed to broadcast it? So that people will give me space? Do I carry on with my life as if it doesn't faze me?

Yi po passed away. Popo said she went peacefully. Popo also said she prayed for her a lot. Popo also said it's a blessing that she's no longer suffering now.

I think what kills me the most is that in the back of my mind, when I went back with popo in August, I had a feeling this could actually be the last time I see her, that popo sees her. And I thought of bringing the Polaroid to take a physical shot for yi po. But popo being popo, she brought so much snack for yi po my bag about exploded. Do I regret it? Maybe. A little. I just hope yi po still remembered how popo looked like, who she was, but most importantly all the love that popo has poured out of her heart and soul for her.

You've never seen someone love until you see my grandma. I'm pretty sure her love language is Acts of Service. She will labour for hours for whatever she thinks is good for you. She will do whatever her old body permits her to do. She will just be the popo I know. The popo that I am afraid of losing one day.

I've put off our boat noodle lunch date for three weeks.

Is this a warning? A little kick from the big man himself?

Whatever it is, I'm not ready.

How distant August seems now that we are here. How distant today will seem when I look back from the future.

I want to stop time. I'm a coward, I really am. But I don't want to move further into life if it means suffering the pain of losing all the good things I have. I wasn't built for this world.