The DLR

People are asking me how long is this fight going to last and I honestly don't know. I used to think I can never survive these kind of things and that it would tear me apart and I'll just die, but look where I am now!

Not dead but not exactly alive. Aloof, I'd say.

Much has been going on inside my mind.

From reevaluating my life as objectively as I can and realizing I've got a long way to go before I can proudly call myself a decent human being, to being scared shitless about the future when we had to pen down our resume (I. Hate. Writing. Resumes. How can a few sheets of paper represent everything that I've learned. And what about the lessons I've learned but can't be put on paper, like, how people who seem really decent and all can turn out to be a hybrid of Medusa and a Chimera!).

Like Ky said, gotta attract those normal people to ourselves and shun those siao kia people omg. I think I was cursed or something. Shoo, abnormal people, shoo please. Let me exist in peace.

Also, received a great KITA on how I was treated just like a spare tire recently and I. FEEL. SO. DISGUSTED. ew.

Birds of a feather will always flock together, so beware! Everything will fall in place eventually. Just wish I had a crystal ball that could tell the future in order for me to fend off more crazy people (yes, as if my previous encounters weren't enough, THERE'S MORE).

Don't let surface charm deceive you. No, I'm not talking about myself. You know, Charm, Charmaine haha i so fani. In fact, don't let anything deceive you. Don't let words deceive you. You can't even trust actions because everything can be faked.

WIU.

So much anger pent up in this potato stick of a girl.

~

I recently stumbled upon a video of the DLR and Canary Wharf and London city centre sights and my heart couldn't take it. So here I am, with nowhere to go with this sadness, anger and disappointment in myself and the people I have let in to my life.

Here, I promise myself that not only will I cut things in my life (which I am trying so so hard to and am at the verge of breaking down just by the thought of having to bring an object into the house), I will cut the bs and the bs people that honestly only seek to sap the soul out of me. I know I have a soul, just not a very pleasant one.

Here, I ask of all you demented people who are only out to destroy people emotionally and leave invisible scars to inflict all that onto yourself before you attempt to go out in the world and do it to innocent lives.

Don't be mistaken people, both genders are guilty as charged by my books.

brb gonna go sharpen my mental daggers and meditate for extra patience.

Nobody Owens

I know I'll eventually forget this, so I shall leave a mark here for the book I regret giving away.

The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman. Illustrated by Chris Riddell.

To one of the greatest children books I've ever read that made me sob like nobody's business (see what I did there...), the book that made me realize change is inevitable and only those who are flexible will survive the world, the book that made me appreciate children's books even more than I did before.

Also, the version I had was illustrated by one of my fave illustrators, so bravo, Char! For not keeping it. I was absolutely nuts.

Reality is an illusion and I constantly tell myself that everything shall come to pass.

But it's so difficult.

I'm struggling every day.

I begin to feel light-headed due to all the odd hour sleeps.

I wish I had the nonchalant attitude towards things like Bod did. It didn't matter if he was in the life threatening situations, he still breezed through it.

He SURVIVED.

I begin to question if I really want to survive anymore.

If I were Bod, I hope my Silas would appear soon. Then again, maybe I don't want my Silas to come along because I won't be able to bear the separation later on. Mentor, where art thou...

I think what hit the hardest was how much the story reminded of me of Lucy's sister and her inability to return to Narnia. When we grow up and shed our childhood in exchange for adulthood, everything changes. And it's a scary change.

I fear this kind of change.

Living like a stranger in what you thought was your home doesn't exactly help either.

I'm tired.

Practice what you preach,

because what you actually practice

may not be what you preach

I've never felt so much disgust for a person in my life before.

What is this bitter metallic taste.

Love You, Barcelona. Love Yourself, Charmaine

Hello.

You were just talking about how Barcelona is struggling to cope with the influx of tourists and they're becoming more and more vocal about it. You arrive home and you check Facebook to find an article about a terror attack at La Rambla.

Hold on.

Isn't La Rambla that famous long street in Barcelona? Didn't Ky and I walk on that street?

A few quick swipes and articles, videos and updates were available on BBC and it confirmed that it's that same La Rambla I walked up and down for the duration of my stay in Barcelona.

Numb.

I felt really numb.

It's a familiar feeling but perhaps not as intense as the numbness I felt when I read about the London Bridge attack. However, it's the same numb. A kind of numbness that clenches your gut and releases it slowly so that it'll seep throughout your body without shocking you.

I hope the friendly uncle at Manna Gelats is safe.

~

I've had a rough week. Nothing major if you compare it to the tribulations of the world, but rough in my own terms.

I thought I was about to lose it completely once I got home (well, in the end I did. I was a dead log for an hour or so.), but upon discovering the incident in Barcelona, I felt odd. I felt a surge of questions in my mind and it's a similar set every time.

How am I still alive?

Was *insert shit incident that happened to me* really necessary? Why couldn't a better solution come up sooner?

Can I give up?

I've been struggling with the amount of stuff in the house since forever and I believe everyone who knows me within the last 3 years would know how much it has been and still is affecting me. It blew up majorly just a couple of days ago and this time, I know for sure I give up on my family. Middle fingers in the air for all three of you!!!

*If you know any place I can donate good condition stationery, storybooks, clothes and other miscellaneous things, do let me know. For now, I'm donating my books to Subang Parade.

Then there's managing expectations. I'm not really good at that. In fact, I'm really bad at it. Talking to my lecturer about what has been and still is plaguing me confirms the fact that I'm performing way below my own capabilities, but I really can't function without getting this issue done with, which SUCKS.

Said lecturer suggested I basically live in INTI and drink coffee HAHAHAHA. I wish I was a better student, I really do.

It broke my heart when my hunches were confirmed.

Recently, I also got the chance to do what I love and possibly get paid? Although not much. However, it made me realize I'm really not as good as I thought I was (good not meaning I'm good at doing something, but I thought I was passionate enough to be able to excel in it...) and I'm struggling with coping with the reality of it and although I'm less apologetic, I'm still quite harsh on myself and the amount of times I beat myself up is beyond my memory.

It has also been hammered into me recently, again, that I can't escape my past.

And I absolutely HATE IT.

I wish I could cut all the bad bits of my life out and just burn them.

I was quite proud of myself for being able to haul my lazy ass to school for the carnival but encountering a few individuals made me feel absolutely blergh. You know what's up ayeeeeee.

Heck. Even when one of the members of a newly debuted K-pop group that performed during the NIIED opening resembled yet another buntut lubang in HELP, my heart skipped a beat and I froze. I then proceeded to reach for my camera and snap photos of him. HAHAHA. So. Damn. Eerie. UGH. Then I encounter people who remind me of the latest wanker story I unfortunately got myself tangled in and I just wish I never need to interact with humans forever.

HA!

~

Did the Barcelona incident really made feel all that?

Not really, I've been feeling all that for a while now. It just made me do a proper evaluation with the whole take a deep breath and step back and look at the bigger picture process. That's the thing about tragedy, it makes you put things into perspective.

I used to freeze and shut down when shit goes down, but recently, I cry, I collect my shattered pieces, and I just walk on. Just. Walk. There's not even that little moment where I contemplate giving up because I know that isn't an option unless I miraculously die.

Dear Barcelona,

Although you were mildly racist, the warmth of your sun and few precious locals made up for it and I pray you'll be fine. I pray that you'll recover and that tourists won't get in the way of your life.

Love you.

Fly high, Catalonia.

loving one's self is tough business.

그사람 내 것이 아니다

일년정도 전에...

Hahaha. Nope, my Korean is still half a bucket of shit water.

All I wanted to blog really quickly before I get back to actual writing is that Facebook reminded me that one year ago, I knew shit was going down but I ignored all the signs, I ignored all my gut feelings, I ignored everything because I was a piece of shit person to myself.

This year, I met a person again.

I met a person who is not mine.

It kinda sucks but

이번에 나 괜찮아요.

I miss London

I have an exam in a few hours, but all I can think of now is how much I miss London.

Going through my collection of photos confirms the fact that I did live through the entire thing, and it makes feel like mush. Sometimes in life, I stop and look at myself and wish I'm doing more, but when I look back at these moments, I feel like I already have a lot and anything else that I possibly want can come later, or even never if it wasn't meant for me.

It's at times like these that I want to send messages to everyone. But I can't because messages are instant. They don't work like letters. Sometimes I wish we had a letter messaging app. Wouldn't that be great??

Articles always say we tend to miss and love people for whatever purpose they may serve us, but in this moment, I can honestly say I miss yiyi and kaufu for being their knowledgeable selves. I miss sokpo for showing me kindness and patience even when it's absolutely tough. I miss my cousins and yiyi for showing me that sometimes love is all we need. Just sometimes though, HAHAHA.

I absolutely absolutely miss London, and it's tearing me apart.

After my paper, I promise, I'm going to blog it. Despite being a year late.