Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown

Peanuts sure is one of those cartoons that weren't made with children in mind.

I find it hilarious that a four year old shared the same feeling as I am currently feeling. A constant sadness even when things are alright.

Maybe that's the reason why I like Charlie Brown by Coldplay so much HAHAHAHA. I am the Charlie Browniest.

I really want to go back to London. I'd be happy just sitting in the park watching the clouds go by at Primrose Hill. I really miss being alone and not having to meet any expectations. I miss observing people and eavesdropping on conversations. I miss staring at loving couples on the Tube, a part of my secretly wishing how nice it would be to have someone brave the horrid cold of winter. I miss Christmas sleeves for cups (SERIOUSLY. THE CUTEST THINGS EVER! Quite proud of myself for not attempting to keep them..)

I miss Greenwich. A lot actually. How I managed to spend so many days in Greenwich alone when people do it as a day trip is evident of how accepting I am towards a quiet life.

But I also miss Central. I miss the buzz. I miss having something to do every corner you turn. I miss accessibility. I miss the extremely noisy Tube and the warmth of being sheltered underground. I miss long escalator rides going up up up and going down down down.

I'm really blessed to have a few people who are nice to me. I don't think there's anything I can give them or help them with, but they're still around. Sometimes I wish I could tell them the truth about all my thoughts, but I'm afraid they'll leave me if I do.

Sometimes I think people will stick around for long, but they don't.

Most of the time, they just really don't. And I guess I'm still getting used to the fact that I won't ever find people who stick around.

But to these two precious persons, thank you. Thank you cyw & essy.

It's time to find a forest that can allow me to live the rest of my life out.

Can't wait for Christmas, maybe I'll go to London again, aye? Dreamers never die.

Beyond

I can't really see into the future anymore. Well, not that I could to begin with but things are getting more hazy. I seem to be dropping things left right everywhere. I drop friends, I drop crap people, I sometimes drop valuable people and experiences, but saddest of all, I drop myself.

And I'm beginning to lose the will to pick myself back up.

I thought life was going alright, I really did. I thought the people I surrounded myself with were good people so I began to let my guard down again, but time and again they've proven me wrong. Time and again their actions don't match their words. Time and again, they were all just like that asswipe. Empty promises.

I know I'm not blur, I'm not a taufu, I'm not stupid. But one thing I am is that I am too fking trusting of stupid people. And I will lose this aspect of myself by this year end.

Why can't people just be nicer. Why can't people just be decent human beings?

Solitude is the solution to all my problems.

An Open Letter to the Empaths Who No Longer Care

Dear you,

Remember the days when you felt every hit of feelings in the world? Remember the days you cried at sadness that wasn't even yours because you internalized things? Remember the days you felt like you were carrying the weight of the world?

I remember them. I remember them vividly, but I think they're fading and fading fast.

This week has been a series of extremes in my life and I realize I'm becoming number and number towards every negative experience I encounter. Is this what resilience feels like? Because I fking love the feeling of not caring about anyone's feelings anymore.

I used to wonder why I encountered some terrible people in life and while I'm not thankful for our brief encounters, I see that it's shaped me as a person.

I used to really believe I was a taufu. Soft and defenseless all the way through.

I used to believe the world needs people who were like me who would always try to look for the good in people.

I used to believe I can change the world.

None of that bullshit resonates with me anymore.

Are you feeling the same way?

No love left for the people in my life no matter how much good they had brought me in the past because in this present moment, their actions do not reflect the past anymore. And I'm ready to do more cutting.

I mourn for the old Charmaine, really I do. I used to strive to maintain relationships and did all I can. But I can't bring myself two toots anymore. Because if you aren't doing it, REPEATEDLY, I'll show you the door.

One more stint and I'm ready to go.

I'm not perfect, but I know effort when I see it.

And I see none.

So, dear empaths, don't feel bad if you feel that sway in your heart. Embrace it. I'm here to tell you it will do you good in the long run. No point in keeping people who don't match their actions to their words.

I'm leaving.

To the unexpected people in my life

The UOW bois and CYW

Thank you for keeping me sane

Thank you for keeping a part of my faith intact.