Alaskan Malamute

I got chewed by one today. Literally. I have the pressure marks to prove it. Probably was teething or smelled all the haram shit on my DWP bracelet. Nope, still not removing it. Maybe tomorrow.

I finally got round to clearing and sorting photos from long ago and I can't believe how different I used to look. I used to look like a meatball (definitely more extreme than a fishball) and I had long hair! Like long long hair. And it was dyed. It took me a while to remember this, which really is quite ridiculous.

One year ago, and so much has changed.

It feels so good to be loved and appreciated for who I am. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm so glad I can. So so glad. I am truly blessed.

My Strong Heart

I think after all the blows it has received, my heart has grown stronger. I can climb back up and walk away quite quickly, but I have yet to master leaving memories behind as well.

About a year ago, I spoke to this Spanish (?) dude who was on an exchange in Amsterdam, travelling London. We were both felling a bit eh and stayed in that day. That's how we started talking, it was quite funny really. He's also really cute and has a very cute smile. I remember he enjoys watching Japanese New Year game shows and he really likes cold weather. I also remember he slept in boxers in the dorm and he was really hairy HAHAHA. We never exchanged contacts and a part of me regrets it, but what's the point really?

This year, I exchanged contacts with a guy and the question arises again, what's the point?

Maybe the view someone presented to me about having someone to reach out to when you're in a foreign land is one way to look at it, but to me, I hate fleeting connections. I absolutely hate them especially when I feel this connection wasn't meant to be brief. Is there really a point?

Maybe I should act like I can't speak the next time I'm travelling.

Anyways, my heart is still soft as a tofu and nothing much has changed since a year ago. Well, not really, quite a lot has changed. I've been surrounded with wholesome love from some of the most wonderful people I never expected to love THIS MUCH *spreads my arms wide open* which has helped shape my beliefs and maybe even change them.

Good guy friends are really important for girls. And I'm eternally grateful for these uncles for coming into my life.

I remember my midnight blogging days when I was filled with so much rage and sadness. Now, all I have in me is love with a hint of nostalgia. Life, is alright.

My strong heart will brave through it all.

~

On a side note, Flume made my heart weak with Mura Masa T_T This was a bit like the Petit Biscuit experience I had on a random road trip that seemed so long ago. Except, I can't really hug Flume la HAHAHA.

I think the best ridiculously insignificant moment I had on this trip was when I helped these cool kids who were struggling with a squad selfie take a sick 拜神 photo (in their words k!) HAHAHA. Heard them saying "so nice. Unlike Singaporean..." when I ran away looking for a toilet HAHAHA.

About a week ago I also took a photo for a tourist at Masjid Negara which made her look tall. She tried to return the favour which was super sweet.

I absolutely love helping people take photos because I understand the struggle, provided I'm not in a terrible mood HAHA. You'd be surprised how many times I get rejected when I offer help, but it's all cool when the ones I do help are super happy with their photos. Some of them don't really know how to say thank you or be appreciative which is also an experience in itself.

No regrets going on this trip, but I can feel my soul growing older and older.

我真的老了。在这样下去，我脆弱的心有可能会受不了了。

No Point

I think the reason I’m becoming less and less close to my brother is because he’s turning into an asshole. Or maybe he already was to begin with, I just didn’t really notice.

I was a dreamer once. Those head in the clouds, always believing in the good of people kind of dreamer.

Things change, people change. I changed.

This semester, I heard something I never thought I would be described as.

PRACTICAL.

I’m pretty surprised to hear that and I think it’s great to be practical. I just realise I have lower tolerance for bullshit and I can’t stand my brother’s shallowness anymore. His faux intellectual side doesn’t help with anything but make him seem intelligent on social media. The house is still a fucking mess and I love when he says his possessions are confined in his room.

HAH! Bull fucking shit.

I really am ready for finals to be over so I can throw every fucking shit out of the house. What the flying fox. I hate how I live like a criminal.Constantly worrying about the house and people wanting to come in gives high blood pressure.

I’m out. Please pray for my last paper.

Heavy Breathing

Will Ah Mei be fortunate enough to witness Meili? I hope so.

To another day and night of peaceful joy. And crack YOLO plans.

Songs

Although it was a long time ago and quite far away, I remember that brief connection I once had when Europop (Yes! Freaking Europop! How much I miss that random road trip) and then Petit Biscuit played and my head flashed "but he's not yours". That's when I realized how important songs play a part in my connections I feel. 

Tonight, I'm reminded again how blessed I am just through the wonderful songs I love and the people I have come to love.

I will cherish my annoying piano playing that the guys tolerated. I will always cherish singing 80s songs through WhatsApp. I will cherish ting mama de hua and impromptu karaoke session.

I will treasure these boys for as long as UOW will allow it, before time and distance separates it, before life takes us onto different roads.

I will always always hold tonight close to my heart, for tonight was the night that I have rediscovered a me that has long since been buried by people who never really could accept me for who I am.

How far away and insignificant everything seems. Even finals. For I have not felt this kind of peace in a long, long while.

"Together forever and never to part"

But I know we will all part, which makes me love all of you all the more.

I'm Dreaming

...of a white Christmas.

Jk.

I'm dreaming of money.

Sometimes I wish I had more money for the purpose of being able to treat people instead of counting every penny I spent.

I'm also dreaming of London. A lot. I actually dreamed that I bought return flights to London, just to jolt myself awake... And I fell into another dream where I bought return flights to NYC... HAHAHA. Dreaming of that Rockefeller Tree possibly. This time, my finals playlist is Glee Christmas Covers on loop... Gotta send out a few Christmas cards after finals as well... I really miss the time I was frantically packing for my trip.

Carousell has slowed down COMPLETELY so I truly have zero extra income and am consuming way more than I usually do (even with the allowance I get, I consume over it and constantly pay through my nose just to sustain my regular spending, but this month, I'm paying through every orifice of mine. ew. so disgusting, but it's truf.)

Yeah, it's true what my grandma said, "half of this girl's heart is overseas".

Work life is fast approaching and the one thing it has made me realize is that I don't just want to travel, I want to live everywhere in the world. Work everywhere in the world...

There is no remedy for what I feel, is there?

I hope you guys are well, my loved ones in Zone 5 of London. Yes, my relatives in London, not 45 minutes away from London HAHAHA. Andrew Netto has definitely entered my list of top 5 comedians.

Remember friends and passerby of my blog, remember to invite this sasau girl to your Christmas parties and maybe I'll try my hand at a pot of mulled wine since Sangria didn't really take flight HAHA.

Meanwhile, enjoy this photo of the Royal Naval College I took from the top of Greenwich Park. When I watched Les Mis and Kingsman 2 and recognised the Royal Naval College, guess what happened? HAHAHA.

I'll be back soon, London. I think I got London in a photo right here. The past and the future.

“我还跟你讲12月你考完试我们回去玩”

That same thought flashed through my head and when she said it I failed to be the strong one.

It feels so far away, so distant.

Am I supposed to broadcast it? So that people will give me space? Do I carry on with my life as if it doesn't faze me?

Yi po passed away. Popo said she went peacefully. Popo also said she prayed for her a lot. Popo also said it's a blessing that she's no longer suffering now.

I think what kills me the most is that in the back of my mind, when I went back with popo in August, I had a feeling this could actually be the last time I see her, that popo sees her. And I thought of bringing the Polaroid to take a physical shot for yi po. But popo being popo, she brought so much snack for yi po my bag about exploded. Do I regret it? Maybe. A little. I just hope yi po still remembered how popo looked like, who she was, but most importantly all the love that popo has poured out of her heart and soul for her.

You've never seen someone love until you see my grandma. I'm pretty sure her love language is Acts of Service. She will labour for hours for whatever she thinks is good for you. She will do whatever her old body permits her to do. She will just be the popo I know. The popo that I am afraid of losing one day.

I've put off our boat noodle lunch date for three weeks.

Is this a warning? A little kick from the big man himself?

Whatever it is, I'm not ready.

How distant August seems now that we are here. How distant today will seem when I look back from the future.

I want to stop time. I'm a coward, I really am. But I don't want to move further into life if it means suffering the pain of losing all the good things I have. I wasn't built for this world.

It Was Me

It was repeated to me so many times that it got ingrained in me and I really thought it was me. I thought I was a burden.

Until I met these uncles. How much they've impacted my life, they will never know, but now that I think about it in the middle of the night, I actually feel tears of sadness and joy.

Sadness for not realizing sooner that it was the people that surrounded me that was the problem. Joy for the people who now surround me.

I found a person who is like me, and the way she deals with our common issue is so different from the way I deal with it, and I see the people she's around and when I look at the people around me, I see it. I see it as clear as the light of day.

I feel like crying now that I see it. I wish I had better people that surrounded me. They aren't terrible people, but they're people who are not good for my well-being.

How much these uncles have changed my life and the way I see things. Sometimes I feel really sad that I see myself as a burden, but now I know I should stop it, because it's taking a toll on how I see myself.

To the wonderful guys who have come into my life, may God bless you all.

Oonkeleh

I shared my last AC session with some uncles and I wouldn't have had it any other way. And salted egg pork porridge of course. And a "satu Cina" as essy calls it. HAHAHAHA.

Well, they aren't actually uncles... I just like to call them that HAHAHA.

Conversations with this two uncles have proven beneficial to my overall well-being no matter if brief or deep. They make me believe that there are good guys in the world still, just really rare.

I don't even remember why I wanted to post here all of a sudden, but I'm just very thankful for the presence of these uncles in my life for making me believe in the good of the world while keeping my expectations level.

Life is alright. Aside from the fact I have bloody Capstone and AC is gone.

I need a Brass Rail Reuben right about... now.

OH YES! And I got to ride in the trunk of Jon's truck HAHAHAHA. What a trip it was. I'm absolutely nuts sometimes. Maybe it's true. It will take a special kind of guy to handle me and my nonsense. Who even replies "my heart" when asked what's in your bag that almost fell.

Me.

Just. Me.

A fried banana, Sze Ka Lame. Sasau.

I'm gonna miss them, and all those nicknames.

Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown

Peanuts sure is one of those cartoons that weren't made with children in mind.

I find it hilarious that a four year old shared the same feeling as I am currently feeling. A constant sadness even when things are alright.

Maybe that's the reason why I like Charlie Brown by Coldplay so much HAHAHAHA. I am the Charlie Browniest.

I really want to go back to London. I'd be happy just sitting in the park watching the clouds go by at Primrose Hill. I really miss being alone and not having to meet any expectations. I miss observing people and eavesdropping on conversations. I miss staring at loving couples on the Tube, a part of my secretly wishing how nice it would be to have someone brave the horrid cold of winter. I miss Christmas sleeves for cups (SERIOUSLY. THE CUTEST THINGS EVER! Quite proud of myself for not attempting to keep them..)

I miss Greenwich. A lot actually. How I managed to spend so many days in Greenwich alone when people do it as a day trip is evident of how accepting I am towards a quiet life.

But I also miss Central. I miss the buzz. I miss having something to do every corner you turn. I miss accessibility. I miss the extremely noisy Tube and the warmth of being sheltered underground. I miss long escalator rides going up up up and going down down down.

I'm really blessed to have a few people who are nice to me. I don't think there's anything I can give them or help them with, but they're still around. Sometimes I wish I could tell them the truth about all my thoughts, but I'm afraid they'll leave me if I do.

Sometimes I think people will stick around for long, but they don't.

Most of the time, they just really don't. And I guess I'm still getting used to the fact that I won't ever find people who stick around.

But to these two precious persons, thank you. Thank you cyw & essy.

It's time to find a forest that can allow me to live the rest of my life out.

Can't wait for Christmas, maybe I'll go to London again, aye? Dreamers never die.

Beyond

I can't really see into the future anymore. Well, not that I could to begin with but things are getting more hazy. I seem to be dropping things left right everywhere. I drop friends, I drop crap people, I sometimes drop valuable people and experiences, but saddest of all, I drop myself.

And I'm beginning to lose the will to pick myself back up.

I thought life was going alright, I really did. I thought the people I surrounded myself with were good people so I began to let my guard down again, but time and again they've proven me wrong. Time and again their actions don't match their words. Time and again, they were all just like that asswipe. Empty promises.

I know I'm not blur, I'm not a taufu, I'm not stupid. But one thing I am is that I am too fking trusting of stupid people. And I will lose this aspect of myself by this year end.

Why can't people just be nicer. Why can't people just be decent human beings?

Solitude is the solution to all my problems.

An Open Letter to the Empaths Who No Longer Care

Dear you,

Remember the days when you felt every hit of feelings in the world? Remember the days you cried at sadness that wasn't even yours because you internalized things? Remember the days you felt like you were carrying the weight of the world?

I remember them. I remember them vividly, but I think they're fading and fading fast.

This week has been a series of extremes in my life and I realize I'm becoming number and number towards every negative experience I encounter. Is this what resilience feels like? Because I fking love the feeling of not caring about anyone's feelings anymore.

I used to wonder why I encountered some terrible people in life and while I'm not thankful for our brief encounters, I see that it's shaped me as a person.

I used to really believe I was a taufu. Soft and defenseless all the way through.

I used to believe the world needs people who were like me who would always try to look for the good in people.

I used to believe I can change the world.

None of that bullshit resonates with me anymore.

Are you feeling the same way?

No love left for the people in my life no matter how much good they had brought me in the past because in this present moment, their actions do not reflect the past anymore. And I'm ready to do more cutting.

I mourn for the old Charmaine, really I do. I used to strive to maintain relationships and did all I can. But I can't bring myself two toots anymore. Because if you aren't doing it, REPEATEDLY, I'll show you the door.

One more stint and I'm ready to go.

I'm not perfect, but I know effort when I see it.

And I see none.

So, dear empaths, don't feel bad if you feel that sway in your heart. Embrace it. I'm here to tell you it will do you good in the long run. No point in keeping people who don't match their actions to their words.

I'm leaving.

To the unexpected people in my life

The UOW bois and CYW

Thank you for keeping me sane

Thank you for keeping a part of my faith intact.

Hello

Messing with the new toy that I got and it brings me almost as much joy as witnessing Mark Strong singing Country Roads.

Mark Strong though. Just, Mark Strong T_T

My new toy is a Bluetooth keyboard for my iPad mini omggg

I really want to go to India, but submissions...

Sometimes, I really don't get uni.

Nighty nighty.

Bee

Busy bee.

I just needed this release. Word vomit.

I've been insanely tired recently and my lecturer assured me that life will get busier... haha. Not something I wish to hear at the moment.

Am I busy with meaningful work?

Do I know why I'm busy?

Just some questions you might wanna ask yourself if you find yourself in the same position I'm in.

For starters, yeah, I believe my work is meaningful for this stage of my life.

 So what have I been doing?

1. Consciously cutting out instant noodles from my life.
If you know me, you'd know this is TOUGH. I've become so reliant on instant noodles and snacks to get by when I'm busy (and lazy) that abstaining from them really hasn't been easy. I guess there's an exception to snacks like biscuits and the occasional chips (serious occasional. I count the amount of chips I consume HAHAHA!). Other than that, I've been substituting instant noodles with macaroni and tuna, or mac and egg and American cheese (because actual cheese is EXPENSIVE AS GOLD).

So why? Why now? Because an article titled 'We're more likely to get cancer than to get married' gave me the real KITA. I couldn't be bothered when my family constantly told me I was fat and that rolls were showing, but the idea that I might get cancer and have to go through chemo really shook me up. I look forward to death, but the kind of death I look forward to is not the slow and painful kind.

How does this take up time? Preparing real food takes time. Cutting veg takes time. Thinking of what to cook takes time. Good God, everything takes time. So yeah. That has been sucking up my time.

2. Convincing myself (and my family) that things HAVE. TO. GO.
Ah... The age old problem. WHY DO WE HAVE SO MUCH STUFF. I remember lying to my mum for sneaking things out to chuck and the house almost collapsed from our shouting after she found out. I think I shriveled up and some part of me died inside when I knew my family can't see why we should give away more things. For more than three years, it's been plaguing me. Now more than ever because my home is my refuge and I honestly find no peace in going out anymore.

It's so tiring. I've got less than a handful of friends who can sympathize, let alone empathize, that I can't even talk about this like it's a valid problem. In fact, this problem has consumed me. Every day, I discover something new that the house doesn't need. Every day, I die a little inside, knowing that the things can't leave the house. So to that I do what I need to do.

It's also absolutely bril how my brother can NOT GIVE A SHIT and just continue living his oblivious life playing MAPLE STORY. Cue applause. And when something of his goes missing, I get blamed. And then they realize it's not me, and it was never me. And if it wasn't for me, his certs would have been lost under his piles of shit. Good God.

Aside from trying to live a healthier and more meaningful life, school is getting to me, the job I'm trying my best at is really sucking the energy out of me. Everything is insane.

But I recently got to experience some gin & tonic fun stuff which was really awesome.

Which made me miss London. A lot... I found a place that served PIMM'S!!! But in a freaking jar wadafaq.

Anyways. My word vomit is over. I will attempt to live a peaceful life and avoid stepping on anyone's tails.

I've been surrounded with so much art and food that I'm starting to think I need to go into hiding in a forest. Looking for an extended period of monastery/isolated lifestyle to rid the FOMO that is festering in me.

Wiu. What a life.

Less is More

This speaks to so many aspects of my life now more than ever that I wish I'd grasp this concept earlier.

Sometimes, you see so much nonsense going on right in front of you that you wanna call it out but can't because of the people involved. Sometimes you feel like you would wring their necks and shake them til they stop their stupidity and just BE FUCKING CONSIDERATE. When they inflict they complain about shit other people inflict on them that they inflict on others.

Yeah.

Sometimes, you also wanna just take mental scissors cut. That. Shit. Up. Because, excuse me, I can't deal with your negative energy. I'll be absorbing every last drop of it because YOU SPILLING OVER.

Sometimes I just amitabha please just remove all these nonsense out of my life. Less is more. Quality over quantity.

I really, really, really cannot understand some people...

We're blinded by our own plight, but this is going too far.

I think the month of September is proving to be a month made for cleansing of my life.

Enough is enough. I've had enough of all these bad people who stick around with no good intentions and it makes me SICK. SICK. SICK.

Call me bitchy, but I've learned to draw my boundaries, VERY CLEARLY.

Good riddance.

The DLR

People are asking me how long is this fight going to last and I honestly don't know. I used to think I can never survive these kind of things and that it would tear me apart and I'll just die, but look where I am now!

Not dead but not exactly alive. Aloof, I'd say.

Much has been going on inside my mind.

From reevaluating my life as objectively as I can and realizing I've got a long way to go before I can proudly call myself a decent human being, to being scared shitless about the future when we had to pen down our resume (I. Hate. Writing. Resumes. How can a few sheets of paper represent everything that I've learned. And what about the lessons I've learned but can't be put on paper, like, how people who seem really decent and all can turn out to be a hybrid of Medusa and a Chimera!).

Like Ky said, gotta attract those normal people to ourselves and shun those siao kia people omg. I think I was cursed or something. Shoo, abnormal people, shoo please. Let me exist in peace.

Also, received a great KITA on how I was treated just like a spare tire recently and I. FEEL. SO. DISGUSTED. ew.

Birds of a feather will always flock together, so beware! Everything will fall in place eventually. Just wish I had a crystal ball that could tell the future in order for me to fend off more crazy people (yes, as if my previous encounters weren't enough, THERE'S MORE).

Don't let surface charm deceive you. No, I'm not talking about myself. You know, Charm, Charmaine haha i so fani. In fact, don't let anything deceive you. Don't let words deceive you. You can't even trust actions because everything can be faked.

WIU.

So much anger pent up in this potato stick of a girl.

~

I recently stumbled upon a video of the DLR and Canary Wharf and London city centre sights and my heart couldn't take it. So here I am, with nowhere to go with this sadness, anger and disappointment in myself and the people I have let in to my life.

Here, I promise myself that not only will I cut things in my life (which I am trying so so hard to and am at the verge of breaking down just by the thought of having to bring an object into the house), I will cut the bs and the bs people that honestly only seek to sap the soul out of me. I know I have a soul, just not a very pleasant one.

Here, I ask of all you demented people who are only out to destroy people emotionally and leave invisible scars to inflict all that onto yourself before you attempt to go out in the world and do it to innocent lives.

Don't be mistaken people, both genders are guilty as charged by my books.

brb gonna go sharpen my mental daggers and meditate for extra patience.

Nobody Owens

I know I'll eventually forget this, so I shall leave a mark here for the book I regret giving away.

The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman. Illustrated by Chris Riddell.

To one of the greatest children books I've ever read that made me sob like nobody's business (see what I did there...), the book that made me realize change is inevitable and only those who are flexible will survive the world, the book that made me appreciate children's books even more than I did before.

Also, the version I had was illustrated by one of my fave illustrators, so bravo, Char! For not keeping it. I was absolutely nuts.

Reality is an illusion and I constantly tell myself that everything shall come to pass.

But it's so difficult.

I'm struggling every day.

I begin to feel light-headed due to all the odd hour sleeps.

I wish I had the nonchalant attitude towards things like Bod did. It didn't matter if he was in the life threatening situations, he still breezed through it.

He SURVIVED.

I begin to question if I really want to survive anymore.

If I were Bod, I hope my Silas would appear soon. Then again, maybe I don't want my Silas to come along because I won't be able to bear the separation later on. Mentor, where art thou...

I think what hit the hardest was how much the story reminded of me of Lucy's sister and her inability to return to Narnia. When we grow up and shed our childhood in exchange for adulthood, everything changes. And it's a scary change.

I fear this kind of change.

Living like a stranger in what you thought was your home doesn't exactly help either.

I'm tired.

Practice what you preach,

because what you actually practice

may not be what you preach

I've never felt so much disgust for a person in my life before.

What is this bitter metallic taste.

Love You, Barcelona. Love Yourself, Charmaine

Hello.

You were just talking about how Barcelona is struggling to cope with the influx of tourists and they're becoming more and more vocal about it. You arrive home and you check Facebook to find an article about a terror attack at La Rambla.

Hold on.

Isn't La Rambla that famous long street in Barcelona? Didn't Ky and I walk on that street?

A few quick swipes and articles, videos and updates were available on BBC and it confirmed that it's that same La Rambla I walked up and down for the duration of my stay in Barcelona.

Numb.

I felt really numb.

It's a familiar feeling but perhaps not as intense as the numbness I felt when I read about the London Bridge attack. However, it's the same numb. A kind of numbness that clenches your gut and releases it slowly so that it'll seep throughout your body without shocking you.

I hope the friendly uncle at Manna Gelats is safe.

~

I've had a rough week. Nothing major if you compare it to the tribulations of the world, but rough in my own terms.

I thought I was about to lose it completely once I got home (well, in the end I did. I was a dead log for an hour or so.), but upon discovering the incident in Barcelona, I felt odd. I felt a surge of questions in my mind and it's a similar set every time.

How am I still alive?

Was *insert shit incident that happened to me* really necessary? Why couldn't a better solution come up sooner?

Can I give up?

I've been struggling with the amount of stuff in the house since forever and I believe everyone who knows me within the last 3 years would know how much it has been and still is affecting me. It blew up majorly just a couple of days ago and this time, I know for sure I give up on my family. Middle fingers in the air for all three of you!!!

*If you know any place I can donate good condition stationery, storybooks, clothes and other miscellaneous things, do let me know. For now, I'm donating my books to Subang Parade.

Then there's managing expectations. I'm not really good at that. In fact, I'm really bad at it. Talking to my lecturer about what has been and still is plaguing me confirms the fact that I'm performing way below my own capabilities, but I really can't function without getting this issue done with, which SUCKS.

Said lecturer suggested I basically live in INTI and drink coffee HAHAHAHA. I wish I was a better student, I really do.

It broke my heart when my hunches were confirmed.

Recently, I also got the chance to do what I love and possibly get paid? Although not much. However, it made me realize I'm really not as good as I thought I was (good not meaning I'm good at doing something, but I thought I was passionate enough to be able to excel in it...) and I'm struggling with coping with the reality of it and although I'm less apologetic, I'm still quite harsh on myself and the amount of times I beat myself up is beyond my memory.

It has also been hammered into me recently, again, that I can't escape my past.

And I absolutely HATE IT.

I wish I could cut all the bad bits of my life out and just burn them.

I was quite proud of myself for being able to haul my lazy ass to school for the carnival but encountering a few individuals made me feel absolutely blergh. You know what's up ayeeeeee.

Heck. Even when one of the members of a newly debuted K-pop group that performed during the NIIED opening resembled yet another buntut lubang in HELP, my heart skipped a beat and I froze. I then proceeded to reach for my camera and snap photos of him. HAHAHA. So. Damn. Eerie. UGH. Then I encounter people who remind me of the latest wanker story I unfortunately got myself tangled in and I just wish I never need to interact with humans forever.

HA!

~

Did the Barcelona incident really made feel all that?

Not really, I've been feeling all that for a while now. It just made me do a proper evaluation with the whole take a deep breath and step back and look at the bigger picture process. That's the thing about tragedy, it makes you put things into perspective.

I used to freeze and shut down when shit goes down, but recently, I cry, I collect my shattered pieces, and I just walk on. Just. Walk. There's not even that little moment where I contemplate giving up because I know that isn't an option unless I miraculously die.

Dear Barcelona,

Although you were mildly racist, the warmth of your sun and few precious locals made up for it and I pray you'll be fine. I pray that you'll recover and that tourists won't get in the way of your life.

Love you.

Fly high, Catalonia.

loving one's self is tough business.

그사람 내 것이 아니다

일년정도 전에...

Hahaha. Nope, my Korean is still half a bucket of shit water.

All I wanted to blog really quickly before I get back to actual writing is that Facebook reminded me that one year ago, I knew shit was going down but I ignored all the signs, I ignored all my gut feelings, I ignored everything because I was a piece of shit person to myself.

This year, I met a person again.

I met a person who is not mine.

It kinda sucks but

이번에 나 괜찮아요.

I miss London

I have an exam in a few hours, but all I can think of now is how much I miss London.

Going through my collection of photos confirms the fact that I did live through the entire thing, and it makes feel like mush. Sometimes in life, I stop and look at myself and wish I'm doing more, but when I look back at these moments, I feel like I already have a lot and anything else that I possibly want can come later, or even never if it wasn't meant for me.

It's at times like these that I want to send messages to everyone. But I can't because messages are instant. They don't work like letters. Sometimes I wish we had a letter messaging app. Wouldn't that be great??

Articles always say we tend to miss and love people for whatever purpose they may serve us, but in this moment, I can honestly say I miss yiyi and kaufu for being their knowledgeable selves. I miss sokpo for showing me kindness and patience even when it's absolutely tough. I miss my cousins and yiyi for showing me that sometimes love is all we need. Just sometimes though, HAHAHA.

I absolutely absolutely miss London, and it's tearing me apart.

After my paper, I promise, I'm going to blog it. Despite being a year late.

楚乔传

果然真的是有问题。没有可能是我多心吧。

难道找到认知自己的朋友有那么难吗？我那些知音呢？你们去了哪儿？

I need connections.

Had a bit of a deja vu moment when I was watching Princess Agents and recalling SPM and Empress Ki days. Why can't I just sit down and study. 

WHY CAN'T THEY BE TOGETHER. WHY. 

보 고 싶어요

What's the meaning and value of saying 'Miss You?'

I never thought I'd have withdrawals this bad because I learned how to chop chop my feelings quite well and keep them in place.

I miss every 좋은 아침, 잘 자요?, 같이 가.

I miss every Naver translation moment, every perfect sentence I spoke which was absolutely rare, every ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ, everything really. It still baffles me how patient Munkthuul was with me. I still am beyond touched.

I had the absolute best roommates and Selenge. She's also a Mongolian King Scout!! Seriously considering a trip there right now. Live in a Gr and drink goats milk.

I miss Wan Joon's 'ALRIGHT GUYS' and his absolutely adorable ahjussi laugh (though Kang Min's might actually be more contagious), I miss Girang and Hanna's twinning, I miss sundeh with Youngwook, and bonding over Europe with Youngsun.

I miss excursions with my girls, sitting silently with Opal and just communicating through nudges and smiles and laughs.

I miss the routine, the food, the discovery.

I wish I had more time with my host, I wish I got to go to a supermarket to shop, I wish I had a bigger appetite, I wish things weren't so expensive.

Of course everything isn't sunshiny.

I actually grew a sense of insecurity, which is quite rare for me.

Problems when you're the only one who doesn't know how to use make up.

Typing on an iPad is hard. I'm going to have a little dance party alone because I miss chicken party and wish I drank more alcohol. MORE MORE MORE.

I wish I had more fruit alcohol.

Missing Wan Joon's chopstick maksa mix, and Selenge's excitement over Coke to go with Soju.

미쳤어 ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

Oh god. I hate withdrawals. I ABSOLUTELY HATE THEM.

나 가, stupid feelings.

Passive Aggressive Me.

Taking an undeserving break from my last minute Buddha leg hugging for finals in a few hours and I just realized how awful some of the people around me actually are.

I've been nothing but nice, but some people have to just climb all over me and step on me until I'm absolutely flat.

YARGH.

Hello.

I was not obliged to be nice to youyouyouyouyouyouyouyou (and the yous go on), but I still was. And ya lah, insult me some more la.

NICE.

Some friends are just A+, while others are just... tong sampah.

welp. stop feeding off of my +ve energy.

Signs

Aside from all the signs that my motivation is decreasing as I approach my first day of double whammy finals that signifies I might once again disappoint myself, there are some important signs that hit me today. Combined with a kind of heat I've never experienced, I had a huge migraine that resulted in a complete waste of a precious day.

Such is life.

心血来潮想写中文。

今天，我对自己有更深一层的了解。我了解到其实我最害怕的事是失去我心爱的人们。偶尔，我和其他人料到有关婆婆时，我会透露其实我会给自己有个心理准备他随时都会离我而去，永不回来。但是，我今天发现到若我失去了时常斗嘴的弟弟或脾气暴躁的爸爸，我会撑不住。若是妈妈，我觉得我会完完全全地崩溃。

我觉得与我同感的人都会想要做个孝顺的孩子，可是这事情真的不简单。因为孩子也是有着个人的性格。父母要的，未必是孩子想要的。我们都有自己的主义。

I wish school taught us how to behave in times of grief. Pendidikan Moral and Pendidikan Sivik taught us all about celebratory customs and festivities, but why is there no guide on how to respond in the face of unfortunate events.

Is it selfish of me to think about my family and I in the face of a friend's grief? I hope not. I hope everyone walked away knowing our lives aren't truly ours. God can call you home when he sees fit.

My headache is growing, but before I leave,

Love deeply. Love genuinely. Love your family.

You could love your s/o that way, but I'd only recommend it if you're married. Then again, what is marriage? What's the value of marriage?

Everything is so absolutely meaningless.

I feel so much anger now it's not real.

Momentum today is Chamonix, with a goat.

Charmini in Chamonix.

Now that's a good sign.

Hey, Jules.

Wowza. Half of 2017 has went by, can't say it was perfect, but it sure wasn't a shabby half-year either. Cumulatively, the past one year has been life changing.

If I'm completely honest with myself, I feel slightly unaccomplished due to the lack of self improvement activities in my life.

ie. campus activities, wandering around KL art galleries, getting rid of stuff at a desired pace etc.

Despite all that, life is alright. (:

One year ago today, I was on a London bound BA flight. I had just experienced nearly missing my flight due to a city wide strike by teachers in Mexico City which caused a major traffic jam. I relied on Google Translate to speak to my taxi driver. I still regret not getting her name or having enough time to tip her, or even giving her a hug. All I did was say 'gracias' over and over again. I also broke down at the airport once I was told I will be getting on the flight.

HAHAHAHA!

What a ride it was.

it's-a mi-a!

I still can't quite fully wrap my head around the idea that I was in London, not once, but twice! Let me revel in all these good memories.

Not afraid to admit that I was tearing up so badly watching all the
planes take off while we waited our turn that my vision became blurry.
wiu.

Sometimes it makes me wonder why I couldn't just learn how to focus on all the good going on in my life. I did go through a pretty crappy situation upon coming home such as extreme jet lag (I don't understand how people recover in less than a week! WHAT IS YOUR SECRET.), having to resit finals, and falling out with a wanker. Not to mention crying at the stupidest London triggers ever omg! Even fish and chips made me shed tears at one point.

Well, I got over my jet lag eventually (but round two wasn't any better, in fact, it might have been worse since I didn't have an obligations to fulfill after round two), I finished my finals albeit sub par results, and I cut that bloody wanker out of my life for good (cheerio, you contradictory, lousy excuse for a human. ugh.). I also learned to live with my longing for London like how people who are depressed are taught to "walk with it like it's your friend".

I might have also took to watching excessive movies and YouTube videos.

Might I recommend 'The Hundred Foot Journey'? Afreen by AR Rahman is by far my favourite track from that movie. I can feel my shins tingling just thinking about that tune. HAHAHA!

Yeah, my life in the past year wasn't as spectacular as when I was in HELP, but it was alright. I lived the sad and quiet life.

AND THEN!

MAS decided to have a year end sale.

London tickets were affordable. THEY WERE AFFORDABLE. T_T

Did I mention I was also extremely lucky because I had ALL THREE SEATS to myself?? MUAHAHAHAHA. It was fabulous. Felt like an absolute queen.

I would like to take a moment to give thanks to the existence of Ryanair for making Europe travels possible for this tiny little bean here. I managed to cover the major cities thanks to their cheap flights! I would also like to give thanks to my chance encounter with a doctor I saw as I was stressed out of my mind planning for the trip (I was stressed about my studies too. No, not really. Ha!) that I had a sore throat for two weeks that refused to heal! That is where I discovered the app that saved and enriched Ky's and my Europe experience. And how can I forget, to the friends and family who made my trip possible, I am indebted to you all. Truly. You guys have blessed me abundantly.

What's the app, you ask?

Stay tuned for posts about my trip, if I ever get to it HAHAHAHA.

I also turned 21.

Yikes.

And I'm about to go on another adventure in about a week's time.

Life really is alright.

Here, you see a CS starring up at the Narnia
lamp post, and in her right hand she holds
chips and gravy, staple drunk food
for Oxford students.

If you told me I was drunk and dreaming for the past year, some part of me might actually believe you. But I know I lived through it. Well, at least this version of me lived through it.

to all the good people in my life, thanks for existing.

Allons-y!

Although I wasn't dreaming of France, I just love how 'let's go' sounds in French.

I dreamed of London when I was writing an 'Art' essay.

I dreamed of Warsaw when I was listening to Debussy in hopes of improving my study sessions.

I dreamed of Berlin when eating meaty dishes, but what I really miss is currywurst.

I just keep wandering.

Friends who are supportive of your travels are really hard to come by. I don't understand why some people still go on and on about my trip in such a negative way. Some people really like crossing lines.

I also can't understand people who have everything, but still want more.

Sometimes I wonder if the surrounding I'm in is any better than secondary school.

It's alright. Enough of bad people. I've had my fill of them that they should have no room in my mind and life anymore. Come to think of it, birds of a feather do flock together. ESPECIALLY for pricks...

Let's go.

There're so many places that I want to go too that I feel like I need more and more time and money.

It's late.

I'm going to have a little dream.

Yes. The Sze is back.